not easy
I am working on a translation of the folded flyer (A5->A6) going on top of the sample discovery set.
So here I am, realizing that the general structure underlying German and English is not the same. In German we can easily say “Duftende Welten entdecken” but in English “scented worlds discover” does not work. So I have to change the content a little bit. I want to keep the flyer visusal structure: Word, word, (flower picture) verb and a little bit of text.
Thus, a first draft goes like:
Page 1: Evocative perfumes seduce
Discover the fragrant world of Andy Tauer’s perfumes.
_____________________
page 2: Creative compositions enchant
Andy Tauer creates fragrances with loving care.
He is an independent Swiss perfumer and creates perfumes without compromise. The result are truly unique fragrant pictures.
_____________________
page 3: Precious essences bewitch
Perfumes, created in the best tradition of perfumery.
Exclusive essences and fragrant concentrates unite for your pleasure in extraordinary perfumes.
______________________
Page 4: Exclusive perfumes charm
All fragrances are made in Switzerland, where we pour and pack them by hand.
Enjoy these luxurious fragrances.
______________________
fragrant discovery set, as uploaded on Medieval art&vie
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:53 am
The language barriers… difficult choices.
From one side I do like the words you used for the English version. Probably picked up in a magical book of flirting that is really suitable for describing perfumes ;-)
From another side I think it’s pity you can’t use the German text that makes the English version different. But I understand – either lay out or text should be sacrificed. And I am a Taurus and have problems with any kind of sacrifice ;-)
English is neither my mother tong nor the language I speak every day, but I allow myself to make some suggestions and you can see if you like some of them.
Page 1:
(I don’t feel the direct connection between those two sentences. It’s a seduction and you should feel/experience/sense it rather than discover it)
Evocative perfumes seduce
Discover the fragrant world of Andy Tauer’s perfumes.
=> Let the fragrant world of Andy Tauer’s perfumes seduce/conquer you
=> Experience the seduction/seductive power/enchanting magic of the fragrant world of Andy Tauer’s perfumes
_____________________
page 2: Creative compositions enchant
=> Creative compositions FASCINATE
(Yes, this one you can discover !)
Andy Tauer creates fragrances with loving care. (=> love AND care ?)
He is an independent Swiss perfumer and creates perfumes without compromise.
(it sounds a little bit double – I’d combine it in one sentence – Andy Tauer is an independent Swiss perfumer who creates his fragrances with love and care following (and follows) only his heart and nose)
The result are truly unique fragrant pictures.
(=> Discover the truly unique fragrant images (1st choice) / pictures (2nd choice) within each perfume/bottle)
_____________________
page 3: Precious essences bewitch
(It’s precious, not magic, so it may rather delight than bewitch and the delight is better connected with giving pleasure idea in the next sentence)
=> Precious essences DELIGHT
Perfumes, created in the best tradition of perfumery (perfumer’s art? Art of perfumery?).
Exclusive essences and fragrant concentrates (oils? Is easier than the word concentrate) unite (are combined? Are composed? Are put together? I don’t have experience in using of the word unite in this context) for your pleasure in extraordinary perfumes.
______________________
Page 4: Exclusive perfumes charm
All fragrances are made in Switzerland, where we pour and pack them by hand.
Enjoy these luxurious fragrances.
Nice to see Andy that you are ready to conquer the world ;-) I wish you luck and inspiration.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
It all looks very appealing Andy :)
The only word that feels a little bit strange to me is ‘bewitch’, but then maybe you chose that on purpose..?
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Dear Andy, is a pity, that I cannot take part in linguistic disputes, but the photo remarkable and looks fragrant discovery set - simply superb (and smells even better):-)
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I actually like your draft and the verbs you chose. But that’s just my humble opinion.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Page 1: Evocative perfumes seduce
Discover the fragrant world of Andy Tauer’s perfumes.
It lacks something about seduction…
page 2: Creative compositions enchant
Andy Tauer creates fragrances with loving care. Sounds like dipper’s publicity.
He is an independent Swiss perfumer and creates perfumes without compromise. The result are truly unique fragrant pictures.
I don’t think compromise is the right word here and pictures sounds out of place too….
page 3: Precious essences bewitch
Perfumes, created in the best tradition of perfumery.
Exclusive essences and fragrant concentrates unite for your pleasure in extraordinary perfumes.
Do you think that bewitched and tradition goes together in the same place?
Page 4: Exclusive perfumes charm
All fragrances are made in Switzerland, where we pour and pack them by hand.
Enjoy these luxurious fragrances.
The concept is great, do you have a more refined way of saying the same thing?
Im my opinion, the bold words have to have connection with the phrase that follows…
but I am not Shakespere am I? But I have to agree with AromaX, fopr a first draft is cool, it needs some work thou…
:-) Simone
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:07 am
Dear AromaX, dear Simone, dear Sabina, dear Marianne
Thank you so much for your input. I revised the texts and your input was invaluable. Wonderful.
Here is the new text….
page 1:
Evocative perfumes SEDUCE
Experience the seductive magic of
Andy Tauer’s perfumes.
____________________
page 2:
Creative compositions FASCINATE
Andy Tauer is an independent Swiss perfumer who creates
fragrances with love following only his nose .
Discover his truly unique fragrant images.
____________________
page 3:
Precious essences DELIGHT
Perfumes, created in the traditional art of perfumery.
Exclusive oils and fragrant essences shape extraordinary
perfumes for your pleasure.
______________________
Page 4:
Exclusive perfumes CHARM
All fragrances are made in Switzerland,
where we pour and pack them by hand.
Enjoy these luxurious fragrances.
I think I am almost there….
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:06 am
Oh yes, that is really very good!
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:07 am
Lovely… The most beautiful is that it doesn’t look like just a translation from German anymore, but as an independent message - it has its own spirit now. I am pleased to know that you found the comments useful ;-)
Personally I’d still check what impression it makes on a native English speaker.
Thanks for sharing again and - good begin for the international discovery set !
P.S. Who knows may be the Russian version will follow (speaking of teasing ;-)
July 4th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
wicked improvement! yahoo!!!!!! nice!
still think that pour and pack by hand sounds bad thou…
kisse